Dear Higher Power:

I would like to formally request an extension on my body's warranty. In addition, I would like to order some much needed replacement parts for my body from the 1985 product line. I would like those parts swapped at cost since I'm pretty sure the ones installed in this 48 year old model are defective.

You should know that I can no longer afford the upkeep on this 1974 model, so if possible I would love to discuss all the refinancing options available to me. By the way, while I'm comfortable with the original design and color specs of this model, (chocolate brown is a favorite of mine) feel free to reduce the weight. I really can't afford the cost associated with the shipping and handling on my social worker's salary so anything in the 145 to 150 pound range would be satisfactory.

Oh, I do have a complaint that I plan to lodge with your superiors by the way. I believe that the hardware designer you employed in 1974 might have been under the influence of drugs when designing this model as this body appears to have arthritis, poor eyesight, a variety of benign tumors, 6 wisdom teeth, an addiction to chocolate and of most concern, significantly underdeveloped calves. I am sure that was an oversight on your company's part but I would appreciate an upgrade in the areas mentioned.

P.S: Please note however, your butt designer is the bomb! No manufacturing defects have been noticed thus far so I continue to be delighted with his work. Can you send him my sincerest appreciation and if possible, please put him to work at once on my replacement calves.

Your aging customer Carmel, Made in 1974.